What My Son Taught Me About Happiness (After "Failing" a Feelings Test at School)

We’re conditioning our kids to feel unhappy, but we don’t have to.

This weekend we bought our ten-year-old son a new bike. As we rode home together, I sensed his feelings were as big as the off-road tires.

“It’s so smooth, Dad,” he beamed. All of his previous bikes were hand-me-downs.

“You know,” he said as we made it to a quieter neighbourhood, “we did a test on feelings at school the other day.”

“Oh yeah?” I asked.

“I got one answer wrong.”

“What was the question?”

“How would you feel if three of your friends all got new bikes and you didn’t?”

“Wow, what a coincidence. What did you say?”

“‘Happy.’ But the correct answer was ‘jealous.’”

I couldn’t help but smile. Not because he got it wrong, but because he chose something most of us forget is even possible.

What is the correct answer?

When it comes to feelings, they’re personal, aren’t they? What makes me happy may disgust you (hey, I love anchovies!).

Happiness vs. Conditioning: Why It Matters

And yet, in that moment, my son was being gently conditioned. It wasn’t malicious. Rather, it was methodical. 

The lesson: He should feel jealous.

But should he? Should we?

If I condition myself to see the positivity in negative experiences, the results can be empowering and emotionally satisfying. However, if I’m conditioned to believe there are preset responses to situations, that’s disempowering and emotionally unsatisfying.

Jealousy is a valid feeling. But so is joy. Especially the kind that celebrates others.

What my son felt wasn’t wrong.

It was rare.

Uncommon.

Untrained.

And I’m glad for that.

It makes me wonder if we’re teaching our kids, and by extension ourselves, that happiness is conditional. That joy has to wait its turn.

Your Story, Your Choice

But what if happiness is a choice we get to make?

Even when we don’t get the bike.

Even when life doesn’t go our way.

Our experiences can shape us, or we can shape them. We can follow the script, or we can write our own. I like to teach my son that anything is a possibility. And if he understands that lesson, it equips him with the framework to learn from all manner of tests. 

Learning is becoming aware of possibilities. When we frame the learning process accordingly, every lesson becomes a possibility.

My son didn’t fail that test. He revealed the truth most of us forget:

(A) That happiness doesn’t follow rules.
(B) It’s not multiple choice.
(C) It’s a decision.
(D) All of the above.

And sometimes, the wisest answer is the one that comes from within.